Strangers Again (2023) Episodes 5 and 6

The word “narcissism” has been thrown around with abandon in recent years. Although I’m not a fan of psychological labels in general — overused and often not accurately descriptive — narcissism, however seems to be a practically perfect shorthand for a malaise that is exacerbated by a world that looks largely to social media as its town square. Narcissism encapsulates this preoccupation with self in a way that is not only dangerously introspective but it has created the existing conditions from which the victim narrative has come to dominate all of current orthodoxy. What strikes me particularly in the most recent episodes of Strangers Again is how narcissism has permeated the narrowly-defined way the world has come to think about marriage and divorce to the point where we’ve lost all sense of the bigger picture. Of all the shows that I’m watching right now, Strangers Again is the one that I resonate with the most because of its honesty… not only because of its critique of marriage in the 21st century but also in how it considers the postmodern individual’s preoccupation with expressive individualism — a term I borrow from Carl Trueman who charts its development so well in his book The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self. The show ,to its credit, doesn’t necessarily tell the viewer what to think thus far but does a decent enough job presenting a range of plausible scenarios in which marriages become dysfunctional and then follow them up with heartbreaking consequences.

In our most recent podcast conversation, I mentioned that Strangers Again was a surprisingly smart piece of storytelling. By that I mean the relationship dynamics that come under the microscope here are essentially parables that speak to a larger metaphor about the lack of commitment in long-term relationships — divorce. Divorce is used here to diagnose and represent a larger problem of individualism gone quite mad. The exhortation to pursue happiness as the endgame, well-intentioned as it might have been by its advocates, has become something of a bane and has led to much misery. There are fascinating but terrible consequences in the pursuit of happiness to the exclusion of all else. Not only does it paradoxically lead to the trampling of other people’s flourishing, it can also hinder the individual’s long-term good. Part of the problem is that few people can be certain about what it is that they want and even fewer foresee the unintended consequences of the course that they have taken.

Strangers Again has become controversial because it playfully straddles between narcissism writ large and a plea for accommodation. I hesitate to use the word realistic because realism isn’t my criteria for a good show. And I doubt that any of the infringements of professional ethics or code of conduct shown in the drama can be considered “realistic” either. The show is still very much beholden to the genre and is a creature of it.

Until Episode 6, I would have said that Kang Bi-chwl, the female lead’s best friend in the firm was the most unlikeable person in the show because of her egregious self-centredness. She’s opinionated about everything. She takes sides rather than deal with the arguments. She wants the sex but not the commitment. She’s described as being “progressive” in her views about relationships. But during her dinner conversation with Kwon Si-wook where he throws down an ultimatum regarding their “colleagues with benefits” relationship, her silence and refusal to accommodate Si-wook’s perspective became a triumph (at least in my eyes) for his good sense and so-called “conservatism”. At the end of the episode, when she lets slip that she has fallen for “the tacky guy”, it’s clear that she’s not entirely unconscionable or lacking in self-awareness. She knows what he’s asking of her but she won’t budge probably for fear of losing her independence. To his credit he notes that if she can’t meet him halfway then their relationship is doomed from the start.

There’s a sense that people want happiness handed to them on a silver platter. Even if that were to happen, it would be fleeting. Here one moment, gone the next. This inevitably means that once the high is gone, one would have to go hunting for the next experience afterwards for the next high. I imagine Eun-beom thought that by divorcing Ha-ra and avoiding the issues that caused him to give up on their marriage, things would get better. Even if he meant well and he wasn’t really cheating on her, the made-up adultery hurt her. For her it was betrayal of the worst kind and she was living with resentment brought about by the lie. Moreover post-divorce Eun-beom isn’t exactly living the good life either. Two years on he’s homeless and broke. Despite having permanently separated from Ha-ra, he’s still embroiled in the affairs of his former in-laws.

It’s also hard to have any kind of enthusiasm for Ha-ra’s relationship with new man Jae-gyeom when she herself doesn’t. On paper he checks plenty of boxes and even his surprisingly open-minded mother approves. Everything seems to be going her way and yet her declaration of love for at the end of episode 6 has all the enthusiasm of a damp rag. He’s smitten and trying very hard to please. She obliges but that’s all it is. Obligation. She’s been written into her own fairytale. She knows the tropes and how the game is played. Instead of basking in the glow of being treated like a queen, she second guesses herself. Jae-gyeom is a prince among men, it appears. Better than Eun-beom, we’re told. Still his problem seems to be he’s not Eun-beom.

The contrasts are everywhere in this show. Relationship disasters are the flavour of the month partly because human beings just don’t really know what they want. Even when they find an exit strategy, they can’t shake the discontent or the feeling that they could have made a mistake. Meanwhile many want all of the pleasures or benefits or conveniences of a relationship without the responsibilities and consequences.

absoluteM has written a post about the show on Janghaven Forums about the recent episodes that I would like to expand here. For me much of the relationship issues highlighted in the show comes largely from how we position “love” in relationship with marriage. I certainly blame Hollywood for this and Asian dramas have lately also been bitten by the bug. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that the word “love” is both a verb and a noun. It’s an action that denotes intensity. In fact it doesn’t have to mean a passive state where you have no control over your emotions or actions. Love your neighbour as yourself is an imperative on which our civilization has been built. Accord your neighbour the same respect that you desire from others. There’s no qualification there about the relative lovability of said neighbour. This is why noble idiocy is a fail. Personally I like Eun-beom and Ha-ra much more as the show peels away their layers. But it was utter disrespect on Eun-beom’s part not to confide in Ha-ra before making his mind up to end their marriage. He’s an intelligent man and he thought he saw the writing on the wall but relationships are built on communication and accommodation not on perceived outcomes. Disasters can be averted by effort. And something called wisdom which is in short supply. The kind of depressing fatalism that characterised his attitude to marriage is ridiculous although not necessarily unheard of. Perhaps Eun-beom thought he was being considerate of Ha-ra because he wasn’t asking her to change to suit him. However, it is silly to believe that no relationship worth having doesn’t involve accommodation from the people involved. Whether at work, at home or among friends. Otherwise we should all live like hermits and never have to deal with conflict. Accommodation does require change or at the very least some concession. Moreover the “self” isn’t a fixed entity, it’s always learning and growing.

The rampant narcissism of our time is why a show like Strangers Again can have so much traction with the audience. And why audiences have been so divided over it. People are naturally self-centred so the show is holding up a mirror to what 21st century relationship dynamics are like. However, in so doing, the characters come across unlikeable because in truth, no one cares much for selfishness unless it doesn’t affect them personally. This is the part of the show that is somewhat grounded in reality. Clearly Eun-beom and Ha-ra are exemplars of how not to do marriage. The audience, on the other hand, are accustomed to expecting better from their leads.

Whatever the diagnosis, divorce is merely a symptom of a much larger problem. I’m of the view that extreme individualism lies behind much of what’s going on. Unlike what the dramas seem to be saying these days, marrying primarily for happiness is a disaster waiting to happen. As the show itself seems to be indicating, the break-up of a marriage is rarely just about the two people who said “I do”. The divorce courts are testament to that.